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16 March 2008 @ 11:06 am
So lately I have been working my ass off at this two bit bar and grill. It feels good to work but the money is terrible. So I have been told of an oppurtunity at a call center.  This will bring me more money then I can work at hams part time. I hope this will bring me enough to start catching up on bills and try to start sending toys for the boys or eventually move back down to georgia to be closer to the kids and Cassie.

To get on the cassie subject, I can only say what is on my heart and my mind. My mind says that I have done things in the past that were selfish and not oriented towards a 2 become 1 relationship. But my mind is also saying that I was not treated the way that I wanted and need to move ahead successfully. Alternativly my mind says that a soulmate is for life and no matter what you can't find another. My soulmate is Cassie. Always was and always will be. There is still a connection no matter how much I try to push it away. Yes as everyone tells me there are other fish in the sea. But once you've thought of what brought two people together and what the love felt like at good times you realize that no other fish are meant for you and that to stop trying would be giving up on all that made you happiest in your life. There have been good times and bad times like everyone has and it would be the easy way to just let go. But I tend to go the hard way and always have to learn on my own. So I will either continue to get my heart broke or finally make ammends and grow stronger together from this time. My heart which I pretty much explained a little earlier. When I see her I still smile no matter how bad of a day I have had. No matter how mad I am at how things went along I can't seem to stay mad. Now she might not feel this way also. But I have tried to just let go fully and have been realizing that God has a purpose for me and us. I just hope that we can work things out and strive to give us and the kids the best life possible. I somehow forgot that she had beauty on the inside and the outside. I forgot that her stories were interesting and made me laugh. I forgot that she loved being caressed and made to laugh. I forgot that she was my biggest fan and motivator. I forgot that feeling of us holding eachother made everything else go away. I forgot that we had dreams that we were striving to complete. I am still going forward in my improvements and want to strive to become successful for me and responsible.

So for now I am going to strive and strive. And want to reassure myself the kids and jo that I am a better person and have nothing but a goal oriented person. But love still clouds my eyes and I don't know what to do with it right now.  So I will try and continue to make sense of it.
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
Current Music: Avril Levine- when you're gone.
29 February 2008 @ 02:24 pm
How come you never realize how important a womans scent is until it is gone?
How come you never realize what giving your all is until all is gone?
How come you have to taste so much bitter to even start finding the sweet?
How come time never flies when you want it to?
How come losing someone directly effects the loss of yourself?
How come trying to work on things is always the reason of lost love?
How come memories have to be memories and not a guide on how to bring love back?
How come love ends up feeling like every other four letter word when you are alone?
How come no matter how hard you pray it feels like no one is listening?
How Come?
29 February 2008 @ 01:19 pm
So they say the library is a wonderful place to learn things about anything you are curious about. So far I could not find anything to help me. I've looked in inspirational books to books on how to maintain a relationship. I learned alot on why and how things went wrong. But not how to fix things now or move forward. Or where to find hope to grab on to. I do think it was a wonderful place to get clear thought. Probably based on the quietness. So it's about noon and the sadness is creeping in again. The overwhelming urge to go into a mode of depression and a feeling of loss so great that it clouds my thoughts and my actions. So I try to search for jobs and spot a couple which I will call when I get to jen's. Now that that is done I am left alone to fend off the se fears that became reality and the loneliness accompanied by abandonment.

Love is like the process of photosynthesis,
 Without it the flower begins to wilt into nothingness.
Time away is supposed to make the heart grow fond,
 Though with no hope and a future shattered there's nothing to depend on.
I do not understand how all these single and divorced people do it,
 I understand the difference because the bottom I have hit.
I can't believe I feel like a piece of tossed garbage,
 All because she is not there to encourage.
Why was it so easy for her to give up,
 Disassociate from the promises and choose not to re-up.
No more need or want for someone such as me,
 Now tossed and told to be free,
Yet really i was released to a place of inner turmoil,
 Thrown away to feel like she was not loyal.
So now I am confused and full of questions,
 Told to learn and focus on the lessons.
It is starting to make me bitter and torn,
 Often trying to remember of any reason I was born.
No one wants the love I can give,
 No longer needed by anyone to help them live.
So day today I strive to see the sunshine,
 Being told by friends and family everything will be fine.
Where do I lose these emotions,
 I am on a dark black train striving to reach an ocean.
I feel as I am in jail with no release,
 No hope for the prospect of inner peace.
I try to remember to just work and work,
 Even though I know around the corner it's pain that does lurk.
"I can get under the ceiling,
 And get away from the rain.
Forgetting the loss of my feeling,
 To escape from the pain."
So the sun doesn't shine anymore,
 Only wishing for my love to implore.

Pretty Bad Poetry but I am going to jump on the trampoline and try to lighten up before work.

       Love Kent
29 February 2008 @ 12:14 pm
I know you got a little life in ya left.
I know you got a lotta love in ya babe.
Whenever you need me.
I'll be there.

Oh Darling Make it go, Make it go Away.
Give me the strength.
Give me your hand baby.

I should be crying but I just can't let it show baby
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking.
All the things we should have done but didn't do.
All the things we should have said but didn't say.

I just wanna go back Babe.

29 February 2008 @ 08:30 am
So yes it is true that I have major mood changes lately. I am usually happy and driven come the morning and withdrawn and irritable at night. I would attribute this to not thinking of the severity of my life when i wake up then going through the day and having time to think about it all day. I am trying to control it but I can only be me. I miss my best friend I miss my heart. It is hard after thinking about it to remain physically and mentally correct. So past that I have been working and trying to focus on money and finding a day job that can get me away from this ever drama filled restaurant. I am still focused on my main goal. And am trying to stay in good spirits. I love you guys who read these and will continue to keep everyone in my prayers as well as I ask the same. Have a great day.
27 February 2008 @ 06:23 am
Discovering what you try to hide only involves looking into your eyes.
The blue green pools of the soul do not lie.
The feelings eminate off of the nervousness of a meeting.
Palms sweaty and your heart races.
Shyness abounds through the planes of time.
Mystery surrounds the air of change.
Beauty radiates from inside and out.
Touch and the feeling of features once forgotten.
The feel of every bump freckle and softness memorized.
Sweet love has been found and regained.
The pulse raises and the entagled souls greet each other as if absent for so long.
Communication of love has stopped time.
Feelings of joy and excitement etched in a memory for a lifetime.
Caressing and holding so as to never let go of this permenant memory of bliss and future.
Talk of the problems and how to solve it through music takes control of the ill memories.
Letting go of doubt and casting madness aside.
Then it happens time to go even though you never want this time to end ever.
Because you know when it does it might be the last time to ever see your heart again.
And thus the memory of a time I am asked to forget.
27 February 2008 @ 06:16 am
So i guess I now have to let go and accept the finale of a failed marriage.
How do you do that though.
How do you trick your head into not caring.
And letting go of 6 years.
I shall try to move forward and forget but it will take time.
I feel like Tom Green in freddy got fingered. when he says "Lets just cross our fingers freddy, crossed, crossed, crossed."
Like I can say I will forget and move forward.
Love to me is everlasting, Giving up not an option, I would have to push all my values aside to just move past her.
26 February 2008 @ 01:14 pm
Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you

It's not always the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

What I'm trying to say is that
I'm feeling a change and
I'll let it take all over
If you need time away
I won't ask you to stay
But I don't want to lose you

And it starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Wherever it goes
I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time
Wherever you go

Midnight bottle take me calmly through my memories and everything come back to me
Midnight bottle make it real what feels like make believe so I can see a little more clearly
Like every single move you make kissing me so carefully on the corners of my dreaming eyes

I've got a midnight bottle gonna drink it down
A one way ticket takes me to the times we had before
When everything felt so right
If only for tonight I've got a midnight bottle gonna ease my pain
From all these feelings driving me insane
I think of you and everything's all right if only for tonight
Got a midnight bottle drifting off into the candlelight where I can find you any old time
A midnight bottle I forgot how good it felt to be in a dream just like you had me
Cause lately I've been stumbling feels like I'm recovering
But I think it's only for tonight
"midnight bottle"

I can feel the night beginning.
Separate me from the living.
Understanding me,
After all I've seen.
Piecing every thought together,
Find the words to make me better.
If I only knew how to pull myself apart.

All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.
"all that i am living for"

I tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
so much more
I lay dying
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
am I too lost to be saved
am I too lost?

Love is everlasting.
Love is willing to say when you were wrong.
Love is willing to take persecution for you love, From family friends and anyone who disagrees.
Love is the warm feeling you get when you are together.
Love is looking at a boquet of the same kind of flowers but noticing one that catches your eye.
Love is realizing your goals and having the other person get you there.
Love is never giving up.
Love is known by that feeling of sadness when it is gone.
Love is the single strongest feeling onearth.
Love is caring what is going on at all times in your partners heart.
Love is always remembering to say I love you.
Love is living for the future but learning from the past and not giving up on the present.
Love is something I need and want.
Love is radiant and shines through the clouds of bad times.
Love is not lying about seeing others.
Love is willing to change for no other reason but that love.
Love is not having to be rejected time after time.
Love is beautiful on the inside and the outside at once.
Love is nothing without both.
Love is not saying I will never let you leave then saying leave.
Love is not sacrificing communication.
Love is overcoming all while keeping your family.
Love is remembering what qualities and feelings brought you together in the beginning.
Love is confusing but having the willingness to try and try again.
Love is not following the 3 strike rule.
Love is guiding each other through the hardest times of your life.
Love is something that when it is pulled away from you affects your life immensly.
26 February 2008 @ 08:47 am
Like a scent you can no longer smell.......I miss you.
Like the rain in a draught .......I miss you.
Like the that certain brightest star that won't show itself to you.....I miss you
Like a dream that you can't remember.....I miss you.
Like summertime in the Keys.....I miss you.
Like a kiss at just the right time.....I miss you.
Like losing a piece of you an your unable to find it.....I miss you.
Like the keys to everything including your heart.....I miss you.
Like the sweet endearing smile to change any mood your in..... I miss you.
Like the breeze on a hot afternoon.....I miss you.
Like love shown through multiple actions.....I miss you.
Like the droplets of rain on my face.....I miss you.
Like the meeting new people and them feeling our happiness....I miss you.

I miss you.